A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has aLie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That’s Mother Teresa’s", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved,indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"St. Peter responded, "That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have movedtwice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.""Where’s Gordon Brown’s clock?" asked the man."Brown’s clock is in Jesus’s office," replied St Peter. "He’s using it as a ceiling fan."
A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: ‘What’s the hold-up?’ The policeman replies: ‘The Prime Minister is so depressed he’s stopped hismotorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. ‘He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we’re taking up a collection for him.’ The lobbyist asks: ‘How much have yougot so far?’ The officer replies: ‘About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.’*****A rose by any other name…
Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." But the town council was not happy with their sign, claiming it would make tourists associate their town with nutters and incontinents. So the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next, they tried "Catatonics and Colonics". Thumbs down, again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But this was still no good!
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
Almost at their wits’ end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
A secretary goes into her boss’ office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?"
He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."
Check out this joke from celebrity comedian Jeff Marder.
"I happen to enjoy it when I drive past one of those psychic advisor places that have gone out of business," he says. "They should have known — I mean, of all people. It makes the whole industry look bogus when one of them closes, doesn’t it?"
And now for a very politically incorrent Blonde joke.
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I’d have to say the living one," she replied.
A psychotherapist, who started his business from scratch, was having such success with his new firm that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares.
So, he told a kid to paint the sign board for him and put it above his shop entrance.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to tail off. He had noticed the ladies especially shying away from his shop after reading the sign board.
So, he decided to check it out himself and began to understand why…
The boy had only found a small wooden board. He’d had to split the word in three places.
The sign read:
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