This week we’re laying into consultants. Not because we have anything against them (please don’t sue) but just because we can.
Q: Why do consulting companies prohibit sex between consultants and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: Why are consultants like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? A: They had pictures of consultants on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
Q: If you see a consultant on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?A: It might be your bicycle.
A man walked into a consultant’s office and inquired about the rates for a study "Well, we usually structure the project up front, and charge $50.00 for three questions", replied the consultant. "Isn’t that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the consultant replied, "and what was your third question?"
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, "You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual consultant was in the saloon and translated the ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the ranger. The consultant answered, "He said ‘Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn’t dare shoot me."
Q: How many McKinsey consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?
And now for the Real Business "Inventions of the week"!
From the hideously watchable "What Odor?!" ad featuring the inimitable Billy Mays, to the "Anaconda" – a fascinating and somewhat creepy invention that harnesses energy from the waves – there are some real gems on the product front this week.
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