Business jokes: corporate astrology and the “inventions of the week”

The old "Tickle Me Elmo" joke

A women desperately looking for work goes into a manufacturing plant. The personnel manager goes over her C.V. and explains that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her qualifications and experience. But the woman is desperate. She assures him that she will take any job going. The personal manager "ums" and "ahs" for a bit and finally says that he’s got a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line that she’s welcome to take. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line, explains her duties and tells her to be in for 8am the next day.

The next day, at 8:45, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman he just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the personnel manager suggests he just show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough, Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the recently-hired woman. She has a roll of Elmo material in one hand and a bag of marbles in the other. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, takes two marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.

The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing. After 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee. "I’m sorry," he says, still giggling. "I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

The Corporate ZodiacForget Jonathan Cainer and Sally Brompton, all you need to establish the fate of your workforce is the corporate zodiac. Divided by roles, not star signs, see how relevant these predictions are to your staff…MARKETING:You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socialising – which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES:Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY:Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING:One of only three signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"…

ACCOUNTING:One of the only other signs that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

EDITORIALYou flaunt your "education" and razor-sharp wit but your personal hygiene issues ensure that everyone gives you a wide berth – unless they’re having problems with their crossword. You believe that you can do everyone else’s job better than they can but no one notices when you are struck down with swine flu and disappear for three weeks.

HUMAN RESOURCES:Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS":Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager".

SENIOR MANAGEMENT:Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a Senior Manager".

CUSTOMER SERVICE:Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-pence cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

And now for the Real Business "Inventions of the Week"!

We have been totally captivated by the new "smokeless electronic cigarette". The promo video is repetitive and slightly patronising but we care not! The inventors desperately try to assure would-be consumers that this little gadget will alow them to smoke in bars and clubs but Real Business would bet its back pages that the bouncer will have his fist in your face before you get a chance to explain, "It’s not real smoke, it’s vapour!"

Check it out…

Then there’s the amazing Angel’s Knee Pillow! Designed to minimise splashes around the loo area, this kneeling bench gets naughty boys right into the toilet bowl. Both practical and utterly pointless for all toilet-trained men, Real Business loves this attempt to remove all dignity from urination in the home.

Check out the cartoon graphics at InventorSpot.

Related articlesBusiness humour and "Inventions of the week"Fancy a giggle? Check out the Real Business Friday funniesWhat’s invisible and smells like carrots?

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