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Q: Why is being on The Apprentice just like being a tea bag?

A: Sooner or later, some mug will get you in hot water with sugar, and milk it.

*****Cracking the human resource code"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"You’ll be here very late, very often — might as well be comfortable.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"Your first four projects are already way overdue.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"Did we mention that you’ll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"Female applicants must be childless.

"APPLY IN PERSON"If you’re old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive’s nephew.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"Due to consolidation, you’ll be replacing three people.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"This company is a total mess.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"You’ll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"Listen to management, figure out what they want, don’t ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.

*****

Two young men with equal qualifications apply for the same job. In order to determine which individual to hire, the manager gives them a written test.

Both men score nine out of 10 on the test; however, the manager decides to go with the first applicant.

"Why would you do that?" asks the rejected second applicant. "We both got nine questions correct."

"Your fellow applicant wrote ‘I don’t know’ for question five," replies the manager. "You put down: ‘Neither do I.’"

*****

Q: What did Bill Gates’ wife say to him on their wedding night?

A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

*****

And lastly…

Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but there’s no atmosphere.

Related articlesPlay The Apprentice gameStart your bank holiday weekend with a giggleBusiness humour and "Inventions of the week"

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