A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I’d guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I’m 50."
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I’d say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I’m 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,"I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
"It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay…How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won’t get mad?"
"I promise I won’t," she says.
"I was behind you in McDonald’s."
A Rastafarian goes into a bank with a big bag on his shoulder. He places it on the counter in front of the bank teller. The teller opens the bag slowly and finds it is packed full with marijuana. Shocked, the teller asks, "What’s this for?"
The Rasta replies: "I’m here to open a joint account."
Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it’s filled to the brim with £10 notes. He guesses there must be thousands of pounds in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What’s up with the jar?"
"Well," replies the bartender. "You pay £10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the £10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. "Here’s what you need to do…
"First, you have to drink that entire litre bottle of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once. And you can’t make a face while doing it.
"Second, there’s a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
"Third, there’s a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You’ve gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my £10, but I’m not an idiot. I won’t do it! You have to be nuts to drink a litre of pepper tequila, and then do those other things."
"Your call," says the bartender. "But your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and downs it with big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy’s screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches & bites all over his body.
"Now," he says. "Where’s the old woman with the sore tooth?"Related articles We’re bringing back the Friday Funnies! It’s the Real Business jokes on a Friday, people! Are you ready for the Friday Funnies?
Share this story