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Gordon Brown jokes

Q: How do you ruin a party?A: Make Gordon Brown the leader.

Q: What’s brown and makes a mess of everything?A: The Prime Minister.

Recession is when your neighbour loses his job.Depression is when you lose your job.Recovery is when Gordon Brown loses his.

The government really are sneaky bastards. They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure that the country is in such a mess that you have to drink more…

According to the latest opinion poll, 10 per cent of Britons are giving Gordon Brown’s economic policy the thumbs up.

The other 90 per cent are using a different finger.

Gordon Brown has announced how he is going to reduce the size of unemployment queues.

He has asked all the jobseekers to stand closer together.

Gordon Brown was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies of the night in a local pub. There was a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde, he said, ‘I am the Prime Minister of England. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?’

She replied, "I’ll do it for £200."

To the brunette, he asked the same question. Her reply was "I’ll take £100."

He then asked the redhead, hoping for a bargain.

Her reply was, ‘Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have the pensioners, then it isn’t going to cost you a bloody penny!’

For fans of our esteemed leader, here are some non-PM funnies…

Business jokes from comedians

Mitch Hedberg: "I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors’ coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place: Mitch’s Pizzeria — this week’s coupon: unlimited free pizza."

Arj Barker: "Google is ridiculous. Everyone uses Google, and that’s why Google has such an attitude. Because it’s so popular, it’s conceited. I mean, it has a serious attitude. Have you tried misspelling something lately? See the tone that it takes? ‘Um, did you mean…?’"

Cristela Alonzo: "My goal in life is to open up a nail salon in Vietnam, where all my workers speak nothing but English. It’s payback time."

Demetri Martin: "There’s a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time."

And before we move on to our "Invention of the Week" section, how’s this for a joke-to-invention hook?

The best inventions (by idiots)

1) Inflatable dart board.2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.3) A book on how to read.4) Solar-powered flashlight.5) Screen door on a submarine.

Invention of the week

Check out the poison microchip that not only tracks your victim using GPS, it can also do away with the poor fellow using an embedded cyanide dispenser!

Eager for more? Why not entertain your colleagues with the Fight The Bull "Bullsh*t Detector". Just plug in a typically jargon-full management email and watch the translator work its magic.

Related articlesCassetteboy does The ApprenticeGet yer jokes. Fresh jokes here.Start your bank holiday weekend with a giggle

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The Apprentice: tears, tussles, and then there were two…
Monday, 8 June 2009
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