Opinion

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Notes from the PM’s weekly conversation with our Queen

3 Mins

Ma’am, may I say again what a pleasure and relief it is to be able to confide in you as to what I’m really thinking. If we were catholics I suppose it would rather be like coming to confessional, only not in such delightful surroundings! Anyway, here goes.

It’s been a busy start to the year, what with my speech on Europe, a spot of tax bashing at Davos and a quick trip to Algeria to say sorry for doubting their army’s credentials.

I know I shouldn’t gloat but I think I’ve pulled a masterstroke on what to do about Europe. Of course, you and I realise it’s about as likely as Prince Andrew becoming King that Rompuy, Barasso and company will agree to my new terms for our staying in the EU. Splendid, I say! I can go round the country, wearing that pained expression I do so well, proclaiming “I know I said I’d campaign for a yes vote but those beastly stuck in the mud eurocrats have thrown out all our suggested reforms. So, it is with a heavy heart, that I now urge everyone to vote no.” Only problem is that I’ve first got to get re-elected. Nobody is going to want young panda-chops to run the show, surely?

Do you remember, Ma’am, that a few years ago you asked why no one saw the credit crunch coming? Sadly, high finance is not my forte but I can tell you we will continue to round up all the usual suspects. Actually, I say usual but recently we’ve found some new ones in the shape of mega-companies that don’t feel like paying any corporation tax to your Exchequer. Goes down very well with your subjects, Ma’am, to give these corporations a good public flogging but no chance the likes of Luxembourg and the Caymens are going to buy into my Davos “wake up and smell the coffee” flummery.

Lastly, Ma’am, George asked me to pass on a few words of financial advice. I know he is not an FSA “approved person” but I’m sure you won’t mind. He said to tell you that he has agreed with your new Governor of the Bank of England to gradually turn up the inflationary wick, as it were. Easiest way of dealing with our debt problem and very much in the tradition of  your illustrious predecessors who faced the same problem. Anyway, George suggests that you might want to get the chaps who manage your assets to switch out of bonds into rather more inflation proof equities. Markets are already getting a little twitchy, what with the ten year bond falling 15 per cent this month and the pound looking a bit rocky.

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