Odd meeting tips from a satirical ex-Googler

(5) Nod and doodle

Always, always ? it?s so important it?s been said twice ? have something to write with you. Most of all, make sure it?s paper-based as the fact you?re not using technology will somehow make people revere you. But if you really want to appear smart then there?s a subtle trick for you to learn: only write down one word from every sentence.

But that?s not all ? and here?s where it gets tricky: nod continuously while you scribble. ?If someone asks you if you?re taking notes, say that these are your own personal notes and that someone else should really be keeping a record of the meeting,? Cooper explained. ?Bravo compadre. You?ve saved your ass.?

(6) Phone calls don?t make you look rude at all ? so take one

There?s always someone that keeps a vigilant eye on their phone, and more often than not, a meeting will be accompanied with the buzzing sound of mobiles alerting their users to received texts. That?s still ok, but to step out of the meeting for a phone call? is even better.

?You?re probably afraid to step out of the room because you fear people will think you aren?t making the meeting a priority. Interestingly, if you step out of a meeting for an ‘important’ call, they?ll realise how busy and important you are. They?ll say, ‘Wow, this meeting is important, so if he has something even?more?important than this, well, we better not bother him.’?

(7) Ask whether ?it? will scale

Take a note of it: the question ?will it scale? is an important one. Whether it?s about marketing tactics, the development of a product or your next team outing, never forget to ask this question ? even if it doesn?t fit in terms of context.

?Find out if things will scale no matter what it is you?re discussing,” she said.”No one even really knows what that means, but it?s a good catch-all question that generally applies and drives engineers nuts.?

(8) Never be happy with percentage

It?s become your job to instantly be the one to translate percentage metrics into fractions. So unless you?re great at math it would probably help to have a calculator with you or Google open on a phone at all times.

?If someone says, ‘about 25 per cent of all users click on this button,’ quickly chime in with: ‘So about one in four’. Don’t forget to make a note of it. Everyone will nod their head in agreement, impressed and envious of your quick math skills.?

(9) One look at a slide just isn?t good enough

There are seven words that no presenter wants to hear, but we?re here to make you feel comfortable, not them. ?Sorry, could you go back a slide?? Yes, those words. It doesn?t even matter where in the presentation, but make sure to shout this out.

?It?ll make you look like you?re paying closer attention than everyone else is, because clearly?they?missed the thing that you?re about to brilliantly point out,” Cooper claimed. “Don?t have anything to point out? Just say something like, ‘I?m not sure what these numbers mean,’ and sit back.?

(10) Repeat words ? slowly

Remember that drinking game at university where someone could nominate you to drink whenever they were forced to? Swap the drinks for words and you?ll get a feel of what is being hinted at. Pinpoint the engineer in the room and be vigilant every time he/she opens his/her mouth.

?He?ll be quiet throughout most of the meeting, but when his moment comes everything out of his mouth will spring from a place of unknowable brilliance. After he utters these divine words, chime in with, ‘Let me just repeat that,’ and repeat exactly what he just said, but very, very slowly. Now, his brilliance has been transferred to you. People will look back on the meeting and mistakenly attribute the intelligent statement to you.?

Everyone needs to have them, but without a bit of management, meetings can be a major drain on your time and productivity when you?re running a business. So, what can you do to ensure your meetings improve the way you work, rather than hinder it?

By Shan? Schutte

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