I thought that with the credit crunch and all, the customer service in my local bank branch would improve. Alas, I was wrong. I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance.

She leaned over and pushed me.

***

A man walks into a pet shop in Cambridge, our very own "Silicon Valley", and is browsing around the cages on display. While he’s there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I’ll have a C monkey, please".

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That’ll be £5,000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the man goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The man starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, "That one’s even more expensive, £10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."

The man looks around a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says £50,000.

He gasps to the shop keeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don’t know if it actually does anything, but says it’s a Consultant."

***

A store manager overhears a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushes over to the customer who’s walking out the door and says, "That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk smiled and said…

"Rain."

***

And, last but least, an oldie but goldie:-

I went on Dragons’ Den once. But I got kicked off straight away!

Apparently a "Drive Thru Pub" isn’t a great idea…

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