(1) There’s a lion in my gardenConstantinou: Next you’ll be asking me to send you on a lion tamer course. Crawford: Are you OK? Have you taken drugs? Hallucinogens can be dangerous, but we can recommend a good counsellor. The mental health of our staff is important, and if someone came to me with such an abstract excuse, then I would do everything I could to signpost them towards professional help.
(2) My gran passed away (she was alive and serving porridge in one of the business’ sites)Constantinou: Was her twin a good cook? Crawford: Sorry to hear about your grandma. We have a compassionate leave policy that you can refer to. It’s such a shock seeing as though she was serving porridge in one of the business’s sites until very recently (**calls HR**).
(3) My teeth are too whiteConstantinou: Don’t worry, when I catch up with you they wont be around for long. Crawford: Teeth can never be too white when you work in PR, and a winning smile can be the difference between success and failure.
(4) It’s too cold to leave my houseConstantinou: Don’t you work from home? Crawford: I thought you were a northerner? Just put on your big coat. You’ll be fine. If you are a southerner, please stay at home and let me know when the weather warms up enough for you.
(5) I had a one night stand and don’t know where I amConstantinou: You’re laying next to me. Crawford: I’ve actually had someone give me this excuse. Depending on how senior they are and whether or not they deserve an impromptu bonus, I might be inclined to reward their honesty with the chance of taking a discretionary day off. After all, some people don’t strike it lucky that often.
(6) I fell out of bed and sprained my ankleConstantinou: But you sleep on the floor? Crawford: Oh dear, get to A&E and have an x-ray. Are you OK? Do you need me to call you an Uber? I’ll get the bill.
(7) A fortune teller told me I should stay at home todayConstantinou: They should have told you that you were going to be unemployed shortly. Crawford: My fortune teller told me to issue a written warning today.
(8) My ex-partner set all my clothes on fireConstantinou: You should have been in them. Crawford: What? Have you called the police? I know a good divorce lawyer too.
(9) I contracted food poisoning from a chocolate bar I ate last nightConstantinou: You might be allergic to bulls••t. Crawford: Get well soon. See you when you feel better.
(10) It’s my boyfriend’s, hamster’s funeralConstantinou: Wasn’t it your hamster’s boyfriend’s funeral last week? Crawford: Take it off as a day’s holiday. I think you know this isn’t covered in our compassionate leave policy.
(11) I fractured my finger playing a game of snapConstantinou: Be careful you don’t break your wrist signing on. Crawford: Get some painkillers. I’ll see you in the office for 9am.
(12) A flock of ducks have blocked me in my driveConstantinou: I know you live in a flat though. Crawford: Wait there, I’ll be round with the shotgun. I love a bit of roast duck for my Sunday lunch.
(13) My split ends are horrendous, I need an emergency haircutConstantinou: That’s the least of your problems. Crawford: Get a hat and sort it out after work or on the weekend.
(14) I woke up in a good mood and didn’t want to ruin itConstantinou: I’ve just replaced you so you can stay happy. Crawford: If your line manager says it is OK to take a tactical short notice holiday, then I am fine with it. Just make sure your work is well briefed for the rest of the team to pick up.
(15) I accidentally got on a flight to SpainConstantinou: Lovely…apply for permanent residency. Crawford: I have deliberately terminated your employment.
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