Six of the best customer complaint letters

In a pleasant surprise, the NHS received a “complaint” letter recently, which was actually nothing of the sort. Yael Biran thought she’d be waiting for a while and would finally get a chance to have time to herself to read a book. 

“But no… the bloody nurse sees me in six minutes! Six ruddy minutes! All I had time for was to send a text, settle down, get my glasses out and find the right page, and they bloody call me in!” 

The dilemma went on – with Biran back home within two hours. 

“I left home and came back in less than two hours! Seriously! something must be done about this! what is a mum to do in order to get a few hours of quiet reading in this country???!!!

Sincerely yours, A frustrated mother of two little boys who don’t give her a second’s rest.
P.S. You rock! :)”

It was undoubtedly a refreshing change for the customer services department, as are the following seven examples which delivered on both the creativity and humour fronts. 

(1) No compilation of the best complaint letters would be complete without the Oli Beale’s exemplary description of his “culinary journey of hell”, penned to Richard Branson on a Virgin flight from Mumbai to Heathrow.

Accompanying his tale were pictures of the food he was served. Choice lines included: “On the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.” It’s best read in its entirety here though.

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

(2) In fact, some of the best complaint letters are the droll criticisms of airline passengers. 

James Lockley didn’t hesitate to post his Ryanair travelling woes onto Facebook, where they were promptly shared by nearly 70,000 people. He arrived at Stansted with his wife an hour ahead of the flight, knowing that there was a strict policy with check-in closing 40 minutes ahead of the flight. After being assured this would be fine, the situation soon unravelled. An excerpt of the long letter is below. 

“We complained and requested the attention of a manager. Out came Colin, a man so angry all his hair had literally fallen out. He was so aggressive I can only assume he had accidentally inserted something sharp into somewhere private and been unable to remove it before he came to work. 

He was definitely a Middle Gimp. I know this as Vacant and Not That Bright were clearly quite scared of him, and he can’t have been a Big Cheese as he was talking directly to customers and we all know from the papers that no-one in Big Cheese management at Ryanair has ever seen, let alone spoken to an actual customer.

Middle Gimp had clearly listened hard at Ryanair Middle Gimp school as he managed to take two perfectly calm and sane adults and in a matter of seconds reduce them to angry people considering violence.

‘Check in opens 3 hours before the flight’ he barked repeatedly as if it was the answer to every question in life. We tried to ask Middle Gimp direct questions about why it was necessary for us to miss the flight because the Child had forgotten to do his job, and Vacant had forgotten to do hers.”

Read more about customer service:

It went on to say:

“‘Why is this our fault, and why should we miss the flight because Ryanair staff have admitted they made errors?’
‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’
‘Do you acknowledge we have just cause for complaint as we tried to do the right thing and the only reason we are not on the plane is because of communication failures with Ryanair staff?’
‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’
‘What colour are my trousers?’
‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’
‘Do you think economic sanctions on Russia will diffuse the escalating situation in Ukraine?’
‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’
‘Were Man Utd right to fire David Moyes?’
‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’
‘My tinkle is hurting, could you take a look if I promise not to tell anyone?’
‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’”

He later rounded up the letter by saying: “You treated us badly, you cost us money and made us miss our wedding reception through a display of incompetence I have not seen since Greece was allowed to have money and a cheque book.”

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

(3) There’s no love lost between angry customers and airlines, that much is clear. Another gem was this frustrated letter to Caribbean airline LIAT.

“Dear LIAT,

May I say how considerate it is of you to enable your passengers such an in-depth and thorough tour of the Caribbean.

Most other airlines I have travelled on would simply wish to take me from point A to B in rather a hurry. I was intrigued that we were allowed to stop at not a lowly one or two but a magnificent six airports yesterday. And who wants to fly on the same airplane the entire time? We got to change and refuel every step of the way!

I particularly enjoyed sampling the security scanners at each and every airport. I find it preposterous that people imagine them all to be the same. And as for being patted down by a variety of islanders, well, I feel as if I’ve been hugged by most of the Caribbean already. I also found it unique that this was all done on ‘island time’, because I do like to have time to absorb the atmosphere of the various departure lounges.

As for our arrival, well, who wants to have to take a ferry at the end of all that flying anyway? I’m glad the boat was long gone by the time we arrived into Tortola last night — and that all those noisy bars and restaurants were closed.

So thank you, LIAT. I now truly understand why you are ‘The Caribbean Airline’.
P.S. Keep the bag. I never liked it anyway.”

Read on for more creative customer complaints letters directed at Vodafone, Sainsbury’s and Polo.

Share this story

Close
Menu
Send this to a friend