We’re in an optimistic mood on the newsdesk today, so we’re mixing up the credit crunch humour with some old-fashioned business jokes. Enjoy!
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker’s wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "…and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.
If you had purchased $1000 of AIG stock one year ago, it would now be worth $56.91.With Washington Mutual, you would have $120.36 left of the original $1000.With Fannie Mae, you would have $11.34 left.If you had purchased $1000 of Lehman Bros shares one year ago, it would now be almost worthless; less than $0.86.But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00 in your pocket.
The lesson? The best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan. Environmentally and fiscally responsible.
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. And you’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."
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