Telling the truth about SME life today

The Friday funnies are back!

The parable of the high-street beggar

There are three beggars begging on Oxford Street. The first beggar writes "Beggar" on his broken cup. He receives £10 after one day.

The next day, a second beggar writes "" on his cup. After one day, he receives hundreds of thousands of pounds and an offer to float an IPO on the LSE.

The following day, the third beggar writes "e-Beg" on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP send corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offer him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it is reported on BBC News that e-Beg uses 95 per cent Oracle technology and that Dell has announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

Who says beggars can’t be choosers” The wisdom of bankers

An investment banker was on the pier of a tiny coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. His boat was full of beautiful yellow tuna. The banker complimented the fisherman on his catch and asked how long he’d been out at sea. The fisherman replied: "Only a short time." The banker asked him why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman replied: "I’ve enough fish to feed my family."

The banker then asked what the fisherman did with the rest of his time. "I sleep late," replied the fisherman. "I fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening, sip wine with my friends, play my guitar, I have a full and busy life."

The banker was not impressed. "I have an MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and use the proceeds buy a bigger boat. From those increased proceeds, you could buy several boats and soon have a fleet. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you could control production, processing and distribution by building your own cannery. You could leave this small coastal village and move to the city, then to London where you could run your expanding enterprise."

The fisherman asked: "How long will this take "

The banker said: "Ten to 20 years."

"But what then?"

"Next you would announce an IPO and sell your stock to the public, making millions and millions. Then you could retire to a small coastal village where you could sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings, sip wine and play your guitar with your friends," said the banker smiling. Work vs Prison

IN PRISON… you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.AT WORK… you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON… you get three meals a day.AT WORK… you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON… you get time off for good behavior.AT WORK… you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON… you can watch TV and play games.AT WORK… you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON… you get your own toilet.AT WORK… you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON… all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work requiredAT WORK… you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON… you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.AT WORK… you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

So why is it, again, that we work”

Marketing ploys

The buzzword in today’s business world is MARKETING.

However, people often need a simple explanation of the various terms and forms.

Here it is:

You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I’m fantastic in bed."- That’s direct marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She’s fantastic in bed."- That’s advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call him and say, "Hi, I’m fantastic in bed."- That’s telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your body lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I’m fantastic in bed."- That’s public relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you’re fantastic in bed."- That’s brand recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.- That’s a sales rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him, so he calls you.- That’s tech support.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all the houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of the house in the middle and shout at the top of your lungs, "I’m fantastic in bed!"- And that’s junk mail. Related articlesSeriously funny: business humour Time for your weekly dose of business humour TGI Friday: Let the gags begin


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