So, in honour of all of the companies who have sent Real Business Valentine’s Day-themed press releases (some more vomitous than others), here is a list of just some of the things we’ve learned from them this Valentine’s Day.
• Virus writers use Valentine’s Day to launch attacks on poor unsuspecting lovers. BitDefender notes: "The infamous Storm Worm struck millions of Internet users‚ systems in February 2008 with the lure of receiving a Valentine’s Day gift. Instead of receiving a card from a loved one, their system was infected with the Storm Worm and their personal information was stolen. In order to prevent a similar system infection over Valentine’s Day 2009, users should avoid opening emails with subject lines advertising Valentine’s gifts, such as sexual enhancement pills and cheap replicas for jewellery, designer bags and watches.
• “The best present to give your loved one, after an enjoyable Valentine’s evening is a good night’s sleep. Help is now available to stop snoring and enjoy peaceful nights.” So says Chris Grant. The man behind a “novel” (yet unexplained) product to stop snoring.
• Yes, we’re in a recession but if you’re still dead keen on getting married, you can get your guests to pay for your honeymoon. TheBottomDrawer.co.uk reveals: “Instead of a traditional department store wedding list of pots & pans, with a wedding gift list at The Bottom Drawer couples can split their honeymoon down into lots of individual gifts that their wedding guests can choose and contribute towards. So gifts might include cocktails on arrival, romantic dinners in resort, excursions, pamper sessions, miles to the resort, each night’s accommodation and so on.”
• Valentine’s Day comes just before Fairtrade Fortnight. EthicalSuperstore asks: For those wanting to avoid the onslaught of Valentine schmaltz, why not embrace your ethics instead of your loved one and show your soft gooey side by shopping at www.ethicalsuperstore.com?”
• There is only one certified organic intimate lubricant guaranteeing purity. Enjoy the following offering from Yes Pure Intimacy: “Forget the clichéd roses, slinky undies and champagne this Valentine’s Day. Instead compliment your partner with the ultimate for the intimate – and invest in a bottle of Yes, the world’s only certified organic intimate lubricant that guarantees its purity.
“Unlike other intimacy products, Yes says no to chemicals like parabens, petrochemicals, glycols, and skin irritants. It’s also made ethically so Yes won’t stain your conscience, or your bed sheets.”
Happy Valentine’s Day, dear readers.