A man owns a small farm in Scotland. The Inland Revenue claims he’s not paying proper wages to his staff and sends a representative out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demands the Revenue.
"Well," replies the farmer. "There’s my farm hand who’s been with me for three years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 per cent of all the work. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That’s the guy I want to talk to. Bring me the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replies the farmer.
In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah (who was now living in England) and said: "Once again, the Earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared. "I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I’ve been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
"My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
"We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
"Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!
"When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
"Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
"I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I’m supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The British government is beating me to it."
Jesus and Satan were having a major argument about who was the best on a computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was getting tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours and at the end of the two hours I will judge who has done the better job."
So down sat Jesus and Satan at the keyboards. They typed. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent email. They sent out email with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job that could be done on a PC.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do that?"
God shrugged. "It’s very simple," he says. "Jesus Saves."
*****And lastly, a very, very silly one…
King Wenceslas rings Pizza Hut and orders a pizza…
"Of course, sire. Your usual: Deep pan crisp and even?"
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