Your company is pleased to present an update on its trading activities in 2013.
Indications are that we are on course for our most successful trading period ever in our long and distinguished history. A universally high standard of professionalism from our executive team has enabled your Company to finally put behind it the many disappointments of the closing decade of the 20th Century.
Our international brand recognition goes from strength to strength thanks to several significant events. Celebrations marking the 60th anniversary of your Chairman’s Coronation have been followed worldwide. In addition, many of our most high profile employees have enjoyed an unprecedented run of sporting success in diverse area such as tennis, rugby and cricket. Even your Chairman was permitted an uncharacteristic broad grin when her horse romped home in this year’s Derby. An indication of the importance to us of sporting success is that our Tennis representative, Andrew Murray, has stopped highlighting the Saltire and has taken up our flag of the Union instead.
Succession planning, however, has been at the top of our agenda. This week’s arrival of George Alexander Louis has been our most notable achievement in this respect. His birth has attracted an almost unprecedented wave of interest in your Company. His Christian names were carefully chosen. George, for the ability to slay any future dragons. Alexander hinting at greatness, and Louis as a sop to our European neighbours.
Unpaid-for media coverage has been highly favourable from coast to coast and Continent to Continent. There has been the occasional recidivist publication such as the current Private Eye cover, which consists of three words ?Woman has baby” but such is not expected to impact on the general euphoria.
We are experimenting with new ways to monetise our brand recognition and to this end we recently held an event in the palatial surroundings of our Head Office where our Royal Warrant Holders were able to showcase their goods and services to great effect. New avenues for growth are increasingly important, especially as our lucrative Middle Eastern Division continues to find export licences more difficult to obtain due to ever increasing levels of unrest in the region.
There are also indications that our long established joint venture with the Church of England is about to bear fruit. Under its new financially experienced CEO, Justin Welby, it looks set to move into the payday loans market. Its avowed strategy is to prevent the current leading exponent, Wonga, from dominating this lucrative trade. We cannot stop such companies from handling banknotes with your Chairman’s head on but we can aim to drive them out of business.
To summarise, we expect to report an excellent set of results for 2013 but we are not resting on our Crown. With a firm line of succession now in place we expect great things from your Company in the years ahead.