Opinion

Boris Johnson's secret memo to Lynton Crosby – revealed

2 min read

10 July 2019

The City Grump has found a secret memo concerning Boris Johnson and his ideas for his cabinet. Could this be for real?

Dear Lynton,

 

In between my Carrie- induced looking fit and serious regime I’ve been giving some thought to my new Cabinet. Here goes. What do you think?

Chancellor.  Saj. After all he has got some experience with numbers and he might just stick it to that dreadful  bunch of Hammondesque recidivists at the Treasury.

Home Office. Liz Truss.  Fancies herself at sorting out the cops, robbers and immigrants, so let’s give her a go.

Foreign Office. Gove of course. He is a natural for the Perfidious Albion bit. The more I can keep him overseas the better and he and his wifey love looking important in front of foreign wallahs.

Brexit Minister. Raab has to be a shoe-in. Should give us all a laugh as he bangs the Berlaymont tables with his shoe or whatever comes to hand.

Defence.  Mordaunt is a good worker bee and thanks to her time donning a uniform she can put up with those awful drones (sic) at the MoD.

Lord Chancellor. Geoffrey Cox. I need another like- minded intelligent blusterer to keep me a company of a dark evening.

Health . Has to be Hunt. He keeps telling us what a good job he did there so he can go back and jolly well prove it.

 Business, etc. Crikey do we have anyone who understands what business is about? Suggestions Lynton?

Work and Pensions. Let’s give Steve Baker a go. He’s a caring sharing sort of a guy.

Education. Esther McVey. Suitably hard-arsed lady should give all those namby, pamby theorists a run for their money.

Ag and Fish (or whatever it is called these days). Bring back Owen Patterson. Least he doesn’t take any nonsense from that curly haired has-been rock musician , Brian Maybot, over culling badgers.

Transport. Who’s into bicycles these days apart from me?

Well that’s me exhausted. Time to fall into the arms of Carrie for some much needed Rand R. we can sort out the rest of the patronage another time.

What ho,

Boris.